by Chris Alexion, Copyright April 09, 2006, all rights reserved. 388 views
Millstone paused again. His audience was listening, and appeared to approve. He took a breath and continued. "Number six, gentledevils, must strike closer to the church. We must learn to corrupt from the inside out; therefore, my project would cause women's hemlines to rise above the ankles, causing upsurges of lust and immodesty all around the world." More nods. They were paying attention now.
"Concomitant with this, my lords, is item number five. It will be necessary to take advantage of these isolated explosions of immodesty by encouraging the humans to use the word 'dating,' even if they reject the concept. Words, my lords, and not ideas, are important. 'Dat-ing,' as you know, comes philologically from a Middle-Eastern fruit sold in the marketplace, thus signifying random choice and lack of committment. We must do all we can to make sure the humans use this phrase instead of the alternative 'Court-ship,' which derives its linguistic meaning from the martial courts formerly held at sea in Britain's Royal Navy during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries."
"Number four. For those in the church who reject our proffered term 'Dat-ing,' opting for 'Court-ship,' we must be more subtle in our infiltration. This is especially true in the case of those humans who practice 'Betrothal.' This word, I believe, is favored by the humans because it is stricter than 'Court-ship,' being drawn from the roots 'betr,' meaning 'preferred,' and 'othal,' a form of 'other.' Thus this approach to relationships is 'better than the other' one. During this betrothal period, we must make it our chief goal to encourage boy-girl gifts. It is only this way that we can undermine the church's marriages." A murmur of approbation rippled through the room.
"Our third item, my lords, leaves dating issues and deals with broader issues in the church. We must stop mankind from listening to certain perceptive and dangerous prophets that will steer them away from us. In particular, Harold Camping must be silenced. His insightful prediction of Christ's return in 1994 may have failed, but that was only because he got the event wrong. We believe Camping will soon get both the date and the event correct, and when that happens, we must be sure no one is listening."
"Number two. We must get the churches to compromise their values by tolerating more than one eschatological viewpoint. Where postmillennialism, premillennialism, and amillennialism coexis–with their various proponents discussing things with openness and understanding–our greatest work is done. We must prevent people from leaving these churches in order to start splinter groups of people who agree with them."
Millstone licked his lips slightly. This was going well. His nervousness had faded, and a new warmth was trickling through his veins. "My lords, we come to our number one priority. This item, gentledevils, will complete the break-up of the church from the inside." Heads were raised; faces seemed more alert as Millstone continued. "I speak, sirs, of the use of Christian satire. We must encourage this activity to flourish, bringing in train its concomitant vices of sharp wit and hubris-bursting insight.
"Bumping up the level of Christian satire will not be easy, since many in the church are already aware of our attempts. They know what a threat humor, irony, and parody represent to the Enemy's forces. Egos will be bruised. Traditional sentiments will be overturned. Fuzzy feelings will be rubbed with static electricity. In short, His Majesty's most disastrous work will be effected."
Millstone held hard the breath and bent up his somewhat scrawny spirit to its full height. "Thus, my lords, our attack will be threefold. We will assault the world through music and magical content; then we will corrupt the church's relationships. Finally, we will corrupt the church's teaching, culminating in the growth of rough and un-Christlike satire. The result will be utter chaos–no, devastation–er, I think annihilation would do nicely."
* * *
"Well, I'll be hanged." Lord Gorslub frowned again at the paper on his desk. The Committee overwhelmingly approved your little plan, Millstone. And not only that. They recommended you for special honors, though I can't imagine why anyone would want to bestow that on you."
Millstone allowed himself a small smile. He felt like he was on Westminster Bridge at sunrise, or something along those lines. The committee chairdevil had personally told him that his satire plan was worthy of diabolical genius.
Gorslub spoke again. "Yes, well, these honors recommended are high indeed. There's just one problem with giving you them, Millstone."
The undersized tempter's smile fled his face. "What's that, sir?"
"To receive them, you'd have to be of noble birth."
1 • LHR • April 11, 2006 • 4:41 PM
You guys did an excellent job on this!
Like I said, the "Top Tens" weren't exactly what I was thinking of, but they are really good!
Brilliant.
2 • JCE • April 30, 2006 • 7:22 PM
That was so funny! LOL you could get yourself in BIG trouble though with your use of "sharp wit and hubris-bursting insight." ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_wink.gif alt=- class=wp-smiley j/k great post!
Jo
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