by Chris Alexion, Copyright April 08, 2006, all rights reserved. 406 views
Out in the hall, Millstone was too shaken even to choose the best word to describe his encounter. Lord Gorslub, he knew, was fully incapable of coming up with more than four items on the top ten, if that many. But that didn't stop the old blighter from coming down on the hindquarters of anyone he considered more incompetent than himself. Millstone tried to compose himself as he shuffled to his new office. He stopped at the enormous paneled door labeled "Lord Porplop," and pushed it open. The desk was piled high, as Gorslub had promised.
Millstone glanced around. He could do with a little something right now to steady his nerves. Surely the old devil Porplorp would have a bottle somewhere. Two minutes' search uncovered a flask. Millstone took a stiff slug. He had to admit he felt better. As he contemplated his situation under the genial influence of his superior's excellent grog, it didn't seem as utterly dismally doomed and disheartening as he'd first imagined.
Millstone smiled at this alliteration as he took a second swig of the liquor. Hell's bells, this stuff was good. Not that there were really bells in hell, he allowed. Simply a human misconception. Humans knew so little, Millstone realized. He enjoyed a celebratory libation.
But Millstone had work to do, he recalled through the growing influence of the brandy. The diminutive devil began sifting through the piles of indiscernible junk on the aristocrat's desk. Not only was Porplop lazy, Millstone gradually realized, but he was also dreadfully inefficient. Porplop had, it appeared, drafted all his documents in duplicate. Millstone blinked and re-examined the expense report he'd been holding. Sure enough, there were two identical reports. Millstone reached for the flask. Better take something to clear his head. Make sure it wasn't an illusion, and all that. Yes, there it was again. Two copies.
Well, that was that, Millstone told himself. There was no way in pandemonium that he was going to waste his time sifting through his superior's inane and redundant papers. His belly was warm now, and this gave him a new confidence. Yes, Millstone was his own man–or devil–and he was going to handle this his own way. With an unceremonious shove Millstone sent the papers to the floor. For some reason–Millstone wasn't quite sure how–the flask and the desk lamp ended up in the same great fall. But Millstone's thoughts were moving too fast to be arrested now. With some effort he removed the cap from Lord Porplop's fountain pen and located a writing pad. He could feel the fire in his belly spreading through his chest and arms, pulsing through his fingertips with the electrical intensity Zeus himself must have felt before discharging one of his thunderbolts. Millstone touched the point of his pen to the paper, letting the words course through his veins, fill his fingers, and flow out of the instrument. The black ink whirled about the page, mesmerizing Millstone with its silent and savage dance.
And Millstone laughed.
* * *
As the last of the members of the Western Cultural Evil Committee took his seat, Millstone allowed himself a slight gulp. Not that he really was nervous, he assured himself; it just seemed natural. Still, the invigorating rush of warm energy that had radiated from his belly last night was gone, and the nagging ache behind his left eye made concentration a little harder. No matter. Millstone decided to set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide, letting his eyes pry through the portage of the head like the brass cannon. Or something like that.
"Gentledevils," Millstone began, "I suppose some would wish to preface their remarks with protracted eloquence, tedious in its content and tiresome in its extent. Such an oratorical approach, be assured, is far from mine this morning. My approach, being, I conceive, drawn from more practical expositions of rhetoric, and growing out of a certain warmth and confidence, needs no such philological embellishments to punctuate its paltry but powerful pronouncements.
"My lords, having duly considered the myriad weapons available to us in our war against mankind, and being advised that a Top Ten should be chosen for approval and implementation by His Satanic Lordship, I have selected the best and most effective initiatives for bringing the Western humans further under our control. Number ten I call the 'Amphibious Assault.' This scheme will increase our control over popular music by leading a major British and Western celebrity–and his thousands of fans–further into damning evil. The plan, in short, calls for getting our pawn Ozzy Osbourne to break new ground in his oral decapitation of bats. In my plan, Ozzy will now bite the heads off amphibians, beginning with frogs and toads. When this gets old, we can have Ozzy switch to rats, thus spreading disease and plague across the globe."
Millstone paused and scanned the room. Some gentledevils dozed lightly, but others nodded thoughtfully in approval. A good start. "Number nine, gentledevils, will even further solidify our hold on music by increasing the number of popular songs with backmasking. Research demonstrates that the vast majority of humans enjoy their records backwards, thus opening a bright and hopeful door for greater mind control."
More nods. Millstone moved on to item eight. "You realize, my lords, how important a role children play in the shaping of the future. I therefore recommend that magical content be increased in children's games and literature. This will mean more witches, wizards, and some magical dust, perhaps. Sharp distinctions need not be made, your lordships, since the sons of Adam so rarely make them themselves."
"And on the topic of the paranormal, sirs, let me note that our Halloween poison scheme has never been better. His Highness, as you know, has devoted great time and energy to this night. The invention of sealed bite-size candy temporarily brought our numbers down (though I personally love the little Three Musketeers, the ones filled with nougat), but things are looking up. Therefore, it would be wise to implement the next phase in this project. My plan would step up our Halloween poisoning program to include neurotoxins by 2009 and airborne chemical agents by 2011. I believe His Highness will be most pleased."
To be concluded…
1 • LHR • April 09, 2006 • 10:47 PM
It gets more interesting…. The "Top Tens" that are in this part aren't exactly what I was expecting. I'll have to read part three soon to find out the rest of them. ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_smile.gif alt=:- class=wp-smiley
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