by Chris Alexion, Copyright April 06, 2006, all rights reserved. 434 views
Junior Assistant Manager Millstone was having a bad day. As an administrative devil in the kingdom of darkness, he'd seen his fair share of stress, deadlines, and bad bosses. But today was unbearable. Insufferable, he told himself, liking the sound of that better.
The day had begun with Millstone's late arrival at the General Office, Agency of Tempting Spirits (GOATS). It wasn't enough that, due to birth defects and an upbringing that had somewhat catered to his infirmities, Millstone, a sickly little devil, had been barred from field work as a full-fledged tempter and relegated to administrative gophering upon his graduation from the prestigious Tempter's College. No, now he had to humiliate himself by arriving late to the only job he was permitted to do. But it hadn't really been his fault, he reminded himself. The transit system in Pandemonium was notoriously outdated, and Millstone had simply had the bad luck to get stuck in a traffic snarl.
Millstone's day had further soured when he'd been swept up in one of those arguments that went on in the office about nobility versus equality. Being a European devil, Millstone occasionally received patronizing comments about his lower status or imperious glances from those who boasted more privilege. All bullfeathers, Millstone had said. Wasn't he as good as the next demon? Wasn't his mother just as much a she-devil as theirs? Millstone envied his American and Canadian counterparts, who never worried about this sort of thing.
But the finishing touches, the sculpted frosting, on Millstone's bad day had come an hour or so after he'd settled down to his duties. He'd been in the middle of reviewing field reports from tempters in southern England, noting the inefficiencies and omissions, and preparing to return the forms for the agents' correction when his intercom had buzzed. "Lord Gorslub wants to see you, sir." Millstone slammed his fountain pen down. Great. Gorslub was Millstone's department head, and almost human in his thundering incompetence. "Well–" Millstone broke off. He'd been about to say something to express his frustration, but recalled that His Satanic Lordship wasn't especially keen on such terminology. "–dash it all," Millstone finished, and headed down the corridor.
* * *
Millstone was ushered into the office of his superior, who sat bending over a paper with his back to the door. Pretending not to notice his junior's arrival, the department head said loudly enough for Millstone's benefit, "Now where is that little devil–oh, hello Millstone."
"You wanted to see me, your lordship?"
"Of course I wanted to see you! Why do you think you're here?" thundered the portly devil. Portly was not nearly illustrative enough, Millstone knew. Heck, for his boss, corpulent was generous. Millstone prided himself on his exactitude of description, so he thought a few moments more on this one. Ponderous? Adipose? Yes. Adipose would do nicely. But his boss's follow-up broke up his philological meditations.
"Lord Porplop's taken ill! Just found out a quarter of an hour ago. We don't know what in the kingdom of darkness has got into the sot, but he's out of commission for the time being. And, hang, me, after searching the records I could only find you to take his place."
"I'm flattered, sir."
"Well, the point is, you'd better get moving. Porplop was scheduled to prepare His Majesty's Top Ten for tomorrow."
Millstone blinked. "Top ten?"
The nobledevil made a noise between a sigh and a splutter. Then a pause. "Well, that's right; I can't expect you to have clearance for that. Look, Porplop's in charge of the Western Cultural Evil Section. Quarterly, His Majesty requires a list of ten top-secret activities that will most aid in our war against the humans. Porplop is supposed to cover that, and the demon's so messy–and blasted lazy–you'll have no problem figuring out what in the lower regions he's been working on. Anything he's done in the last two months will still be on his mountain of a desk."
The adipose fiend leaned forward. "Do I need to remind you, Millstone, that operational security is paramount? Especially with fundamentalist conference speakers always trying to uncover our plans. And sometimes they do find out what we're up to. One of last year's lists had to be scrapped because the whole bloody thing was exposed at a splinter-group microdenomination conference. So you'll speak to no one who isn't cleared into the project."
Gorslub's ominous manner increased. "I also don't need to remind you about speed, you useless devil. The quarterly planning report is due to the infernal Cultural Evil Board for their meeting tomorrow. If it's not approved, it won't be pleasant for you. If you even fail to finish it…well, those fallen angels will probably eat you."
To be continued…
1 • Chris Yokel • April 07, 2006 • 6:04 PM
Brilliant. You're not trying to edge out Lewis, are you? ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_smile.gif alt=:- class=wp-smiley
2 • LHR • April 07, 2006 • 9:55 PM
Wow, that was very well written! ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_smile.gif alt=:- class=wp-smiley I'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.
3 • Chris • April 08, 2006 • 12:29 PM
I should note that this piece isn't totally mine. I had help from a certain anonymous benefactor who came up with the "Top Ten" idea and suggested several items.
4 • Barb • April 14, 2006 • 7:24 PM
Excellent! Can hardly wait for the next installment! You sure kept my attention and aroused my curosity.
