by Chris Alexion, Copyright March 13, 2006, all rights reserved. 325 views
I was born in Pittsburgh, and I spent most of my not-too-numerous years there. So I have a certain loyalty to the 'Burgh and to Pennsylvania. You may recall my excitement over this year's Super Bowl results.
Anyway, even as a PA native, I have to admit that the direction the state has gone politically, to put it bluntly, sucks. PA boasts some of the nation's most schoolmarmish homeschool regs, makes getting a driver's license more of a pain than usual, and is sure to please bureaucrats in numerous other ways.
But I see one of the most ludicrous examples of PA extremes every Sunday. My family attends church in Ephrata, a while north of our home in Maryland. Our return trip takes us down PA-41 South, and it's here that the wise folks at PENNDOT have planted the most ridiculous set of road signs I've ever seen, all within a stretch of a few miles.
The first yellow sentinel to warn me says, "Buckle Up–It's the Law." Well, duh. That's another can of worms, but my seat belt's securely fastened anyway. So I let the warning slide. Then, a few hundred yards later: "Buckle Up Every Time." Now I'm puzzled. Do they think I'm an attorney, looking for some kind of loophole? "But officer, I buckle my seat belt." "It says 'every time,' buddy." "Oh, dang." Got me there.
At this point the road signs shift from hairsplitting to Pharisaical. "Don't Tailgate," another of the signs announces. I don't tailgate. But I hardly need this yellow monstrosity to tell me that. As if the jerks who do tailgate would listen anyway. And I'm sure the good blokes at the Highway authority fast twice a week, and tithe from the mint and cummin.
The signs now move from bad cop to good cop. "Beware of Aggressive Drivers," I read. Okay. Now PENNDOT is my ally, giving me a friendly warning about the guy in front or the girl behind me. Like feminism's view of men, everyone with whom I share the road is a potential aggressor. I suppose they'd want me to turn on my fellow drivers, too. Rat them out. It kind of reminds me of an amusing line from Frederick Forsyth's The Day of the Jackal. When French police seek to track down a professional assassin hired to kill Charles DeGaulle, one stubborn peasant lies about the stranger's whereabouts. He tells his wife afterward that it'll never be said that he ever delivered a fellow creature up to them.
Meanwhile, on Rt. 41, the good cop routine has been replaced by something more patronizing. "Keep Min 2 Dots Apart." And, lo, I looked and beheld white dots on the asphalt to aid my spacing. Great. So if I was a schyster lawyer before, now I'm retarded. I can't even be trusted to judge a safe distance for myself. But I drive on. Just in case a moron like myself forgot why the dots were there, the next sign begs me to "Maintain a Safe Following Distance."
I drive on. Not more than a hundred yards or so, another beastly sign bursts onto my sight. "Slow Down, Save a Life," this one says. So while before I was a retard, now I'm a murdering SOB who's a risk to others. But this encouraging morsel of wisdom leads to another: "Buckle Up Every Time." Now unless I am an idiot, I just saw that one not more than half a mile back. So as far as PENNDOT is concerned, I'm back in retarded status.
In case this news might prove overwhelming, they reassure me that they're still on my side by re-offering the friendly, "Beware Aggressive Drivers." I accept the warning cheerfully. Since I'm clearly mentally impaired, I probably don't remember that they said this a few football fields behind me.
Things get tricky at this point. The Highway bureaucrats don't want me to get too puffed up, so they gently bring back the previous warning: "Buckle Up Every Time." I am sobered. "Not just part of the time," I remind myself. "Not even most of the time. Buckle up every time."
Another quarter mile or so brings me to the end of this leg of my trip. I turn onto another road with a more somber outlook on life, but still retaining a marginal joy at the affection in which the state holds me. But as I pull the wheel right, swinging the Honda onto PA-10, I happen to look left at the continuing stretch of Rt. 41. I look twice. Was it? Yes. Another yellow sign.
Buckle Up–It's the Law.
1 • Karen and LHR • March 13, 2006 • 11:11 PM
An amusing look at the signs PENNDOT has seen fit to put up for our protection. ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_smile.gif alt=:- class=wp-smiley There is one more thing that you should keep in mind - watch out for the legions of police officers, they will catch those who even think about not wearing their seat belt. (Have you seen the billboards around Lancaster to this effect?) Even though we were born in Maryland, we have lived most of our lives here in Pennsylvania and love it, but, yeah, the bureaucrats sure delight in making regulations. They seem to think that we are lacking in common sense in other areas besides driving, try reading even a few pages of the township rules and regulations! But just remember why PA is this way…. ./chrisalexion_2008-10_wordpress_export_files/icon_smile.gif alt=:- class=wp-smiley
2 • Chris • March 14, 2006 • 1:31 PM
And then they talk about government waste….It just goes to show that the government can never be amoral, it just has its own skewed version of morality. This one's in bed with the anti-tobacco suits et al
3 • Dory • March 14, 2006 • 2:37 PM
I appreciate the love and care PA has put into their signs. With a Big Brother like that, we will never go astray, and I think you ought to be more thankful. May I suggest a new sign series? How about:
Don't Forget to Brush
and
Brush After EVERY Meal
and finally
Keep Your Distance from Non-Brushers
4 • Joe • April 10, 2006 • 10:18 PM
Classic stuff Chris. Surely that makes you miss Texas!
Ha!
I like the use of the term "blokes" reminds me of home.
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