by Chris Alexion, Copyright February 24, 2006, all rights reserved. 245 views
HARTFORD, CONN.–In a press conference today a coalition of New England Democrats announced a surprising new strategy: follow the lead of the American Puritans. "For too long we've looked down on the Puritans as narrow, bigoted, and just generally icky," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, dressed in a plain black suit and white collar. "But the time has come to embrace our past as New Englanders. Further, it turns out that the New England Puritans weren't really all that different from us anyway: we both like to use civil legislation to impose our views on others."
Former Vermont governor Howard Dean agreed. Tugging on a long gray beard, Dean said that it is time to acknowledge Puritan wisdom. "It was the New England Puritans who gave us compulsory attendance and state-supported schools," he said. Dean said that the coalition would draw on the landmark Old Deluder Satan Act, which made education mandatory because of Satan's intent on keeping people ignorant.
"The logic is brilliant," said Dean. "Satan wants to keep people ignorant, so we pass a law to make sure they're not ignorant." Dean said that this led to a whole host of suggestions, including the Old Lacerator Lawnmower Act, the Old Fattener Soda Act, the Old Bigot Discriminator Act, and perhaps the Old Polluting Cigarette Act.
Teresa Heinz-Kerry, head demurely covered with a white bonnet, also announced that her husband, Sen. John F. Kerry, plans on proposing some Puritan punishments in the Senate. "I think the best is the scarlet letter B for Bigot," she said.
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