by Chris Alexion, Copyright October 31, 2005, all rights reserved. 193 views
WASHINGTON–President Bush emerged yesterday from the White House's underground laboratories. Still wearing a white lab coat and safety goggles, Mr. Bush announced the creation of a host of new jobs.
"Through the use of nuculer [sic] physics, we've bombarded existing jobs with stray protons to create new ones," said the president. We've also worked on theories of job fission. On the biological side, we've induced mutations to create a genetically-engineered species of new jobs."
Democratic leaders expressed surprise and pleasure. "For once, this administration has done something productive," said Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). Even former presidential candidate John Kerry admitted a reluctant respect. "Creating jobs is what it's all about, and I'm glad at least someone is getting it done," he said.
After creating the jobs, the Bush administration faced the formidable hurdle of naming them. "With so many fresh jobs, we needed some creative names and fast," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. For this the White House turned to rock artist Beck, whose creative vibes have unleashed more than a decade of hits. "Beck was great," said Mr. Bush. "He coined such occupations as Window Jamboree Pulley, Accounts Loveseat Landscaper, and–my favorite–Network Monkey Delivery."
When asked for a comment, Beck said, "Shine your shoes with your microphone blues; here suits with your parachute fruits. Don't believe everything that you breathe; you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve. So shave your face with some mace in the dark, saving all your food stamps and burning down the trailer park."
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